It is strange to write about myself. I would much rather write about Emily, but I have been asked how I am doing, and it is easier to be honest on here than anywhere else. So, in the spirit of honesty:
I’m not doing well.
I haven’t been for a while.
And I won’t be ever again.
As a child, I used to try to wrap my head around the idea of eternity. I would try to think back to the creation of everything. I would think of God forming reality with the power of words. Inevitably, my rational mind would think, “But where did God come from?” And, like some kind of master kill switch implanted in my software, that thought would make my mind go white. That’s the only way I could describe it. I couldn’t paint a picture any more. I couldn’t see a timeline. I couldn’t think in a rational way. My mind would just freeze up like it ran on Windows.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like I live in that freeze, perpetually “Not Responding.”
I was speaking with Laura, one of Emily’s best friends, over Facebook today. In that, I was able to put words to the thing that I think has been causing my IT issue.
Living in the middle of her absence is my own purgatory.
But, as Emily would want, I am still living.
As difficult as it can be at times, I am still existing. I am going places. I am eating food. I am working. I am reading. I go to the gym (begrudgingly). And, I have fun sometimes. I smile. I laugh. I make very crude jokes. I watch a lot of Family Guy. I laugh at their crude jokes. I spend time with some great people. People who have walked with me through this. Sometimes when it hasn’t been easy. Sometimes when I haven’t been easy. And I am truly thankful for every single one of them and hope they all know that. I’m certain I haven’t said it enough.
And, in all of that, I see her. So, I’m not doing well, but I’m doing OK. Thanks for asking.
-B
emily and bret 